Perpetrators Know that Victims Will Resist

Perpetrators do not believe that victims will be passive. Therefore, perpetrators think about how victims will resist their abuse, and make plans to try to stop this resistance. For example, bullies do not pick on children who are bigger and stronger than they are. Bank robbers assume that tellers will resist, so they make plans to try to overcome that resistance.

Here are some ways that perpetrators try to stop victims from resisting.

• One man’s immigrant wife did not know Canadian law. He dried to convince her that she would be deported if she called the police for help, because they would know she was a “bad” wife. He also told her that “women’s shelters were where bad wives went, and that this would also be a reason for her to be deported.”
• A perpetrator knew that his partner would find it harder to resist his violence if she had no money, so he made sure she never had any spare cash.
• A husband blamed his wife for his own behaviour. He played “head games” with her and tried to confuse her so that she would be easier to control.
• A perpetrator knew that his spouse would attempt to call the police for protection against his aggression. He called the police first, twisted events around and made up a story that she was assaulting him.
• A perpetrator said sorry and gave gifts to a victim following abuse, hoping that the victim would stop feeling angry at him. He believed that this would stop any plans she was making to oppose his mistreatment of her. (Note that it is sometimes difficult for a victim to know what the perpetrator’s kind and loving behaviour actually means, because sometimes perpetrators are truly sorry and actually make changes in their behaviour).
• A perpetrator presented a “nicest guy in town” image, believing this would make it more difficult for his wife to convince others that he is abusive.

To learn more about how women resist abuse in intimate relationships, read our publication, Honouring Resistance.

This entry is a follow-up to our previous post People tend not to Notice.

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