People tend not to Notice
Resistance by victims is often not noticed by other people. In our experience, all victims resist abuse in some way, although their acts of resistance may be different. Victims decide how to resist abuse based on what they know of the perpetrator, what they need to do to be safe, and what they need to do to keep their dignity.
Unfortunately, in many cases, others have labeled the ways that victims have resisted abuse as “sick” or “dysfunctional”. Some examples of negative labels that could be applied to victims are:
| What a victim does to resist abuse | How others may label this negatively |
|---|---|
| Not sharing her emotions in the relationship. | This could be labelled as “emotional detahment”, as in the “inability to express emotions”, or as “avoidance”. |
| Not doing what the perpetrator wants her to do. | This could be labelled as “passive-aggressive behaviour”, or “difficult/uncooperative behaviour”. |
| Refusing to stoop to the perpetrator’s level of behaviour and by doing nice things for him. | This could be labelled as “co-dependency”. |
| Numbing her own feelings. | This could be labelled as “dissociation”. |
One problem with the use of these ‘labels’ is that they may be hurtful and offensive to victims. Another problem is that they tend to suggest that both parties are responsible for ending the abuse. For example, a counselor may tell a victim that if she had been more “assertive” she could have stopped the abuse, and her husband would “love her for it”.
This suggestion implies that the victim was at least equally responsible for ending the violence. Thus, although people may agree with the common belief that “perpetrators are responsible for their violence”, to be consistent with this belief we suggest avoiding any labels that imply that both parties are responsible for the violence.
We have found it is empowering for victims to think about what they did to oppose mistreatment. A woman stated that it felt so good to understand the ways she resisted the abuse that she felt “she could lift up her car”. Other victims have responded by saying, “I knew I was not weak”, and “I feel more capable now to deal with difficult situations I may encounter”.
Some women have been discouraged by the victim-blaming message that they have heard from others. They have found that examining their resistance to violence has helped them to resolve their feelings of being “damaged” and/or somehow responsible for the abuse.
Exercise for victims of abuse
How did you respond?
You may find it helpful to think about ways you responded to various abusive acts you experienced in your intimate relationship. Think about an incident where your partner was abusive towards you. Then, think about all the ways you showed you did not comply with his poor treatment of you.
What did you do? How did you feel? What kind of expression was on your face? What did your body language convey? What went through your mind? Then, think about what the perpetrator did next. Again, how did you respond? Write in detail about the ways you showed resistance to his abuse. What is it like for you to think of your resistance to abuse? Has your resistance been labeled as sick or dysfunctional by anyone? If so, how?
To learn more about how women resist abuse in intimate relationships, read our publication, Honouring Resistance.
This entry is a follow-up to our previous post Victims Always Resist.
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When you first leave or are still in the relationship it is hurtful to hear those labels. You try your best with what you can do. Those labels only applied to me when I was in that relationship not the rest of the time. Now that it’s been over 6 months since I left I have completely changed. I still have a lot I’m working on to better myself and move forward. But it dose take time.
Working thru reactions, feelings and responses can be life changing. I know it was for me.
This is a good blog, good job admins.
Cindy
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