Victims Aways Resist

Whenever people are badly treated, they always resist. In our experience working with victims of violence, none of them complied with violence, disrespect, or oppression. They always tried to reduce, prevent, or stop the abuse in some way.

Because they are in such danger, victims usually do not resist the perpetrator’s abuse openly (although some victims do resist openly anyway). Often, the only way victims can resist the abuse is in their thoughts, or through small acts that are sometimes not even noticed by others. A victim’s resistance may not stop the abuse, because the perpetrator is making his own decisions about how he wants to behave. A perpetrator’s abusive behaviour is totally his responsibility and he is the only one who can stop the abuse. However, the victim’s thoughts or actions indicate that in no way does she “go along with” the abuse, or “let it happen”. The victim’s resistance shows her desire to escape the abuse, to keep her dignity, and to make a better life for herself.

The following examples show some of the many ways victims resist abuse. We will take a look at what the perpetrator tries to do and how the victim opposes him.

What the perpetrator does	The victim shows resistance by
If the perpetrator tries to isolate the victim:	Trying to retain some relationships with others, imagining or remembering good times with her loved ones.

Example:

• When a perpetrator refuses to allow his wife to speak to her friends, she talks on the phone with her friends after he is asleep.

What the perpetrator does	The victim shows resistance by
If the perpetrator tries to humiliate the victim:	Thinking or acting in ways that sustain her self-respect and dignity.

Example:

• In response to her husband’s constant criticisms of her physical appearance, a woman is very careful to always wear nice clothes and to have her hair styled.

What the perpetrator does	The victim shows resistance by
If the perpetrator tries to control the victim:	Thinking or acting in ways that show she refuses to be controlled. Doing what the perpetrator wants her to do in a very dramatic way is another kind of resistance.

Example:

• A victim whose husband is very controlling pretends to play along with him. A husband insists that his wife put away everything in the fridge in exactly the right spot, and gets angry if anything is “out of order”. Unable to challenge him openly, the victim decides to do what he wants, but in a dramatic fashion. She puts everything away especially neatly in the “right” place. She then labels in great detail each section of the fridge where the foods “belong”.
• A stay at home mom finds different reasons to be out of the house with the children so that they can escape the perpetrator’s criticism and control as much as possible.
• A wife, whose husband insists that the house remain very clean all the time, refuses to do any housework at all.

What the perpetrator does	The victim shows resistance by
If the perpetrator tries to say that both of them are responsible for his abuse:	Thinking or acting in ways that show for herself that he is the only one responsible for his behaviour.

Example:

• A perpetrator, who punches his wife in the face, says that it was just a “fight that got out of hand”. The wife calls the police, expecting that he will be charged with assault. By calling the police, the wife protects herself and demonstrates that he is responsible for the violence.
• A perpetrator of a sexual assault claims that it was a mutual act and that the victim enjoyed it. However, the woman feels “dirty” afterward and showers often. This action demonstrates that the act was violence and offensive.

What the perpetrator does	The victim shows resistance by
If the perpetrator tries to make excuses for his violence:	Thinking or acting in ways that show for herself that there is no excuse for his violence, or that the abuse is wrong.

Example:

• An abused child whose parents believed that he “was a bad child and needed to be disciplined” would remember and write down all the abusive things his parents did to him in a journal.

What the perpetrator does	The victim shows resistance by
If the perpetrator tries to hide his violence:	Thinking or acting in ways that expose the violence.

Example:

• A woman, whose boyfriend punches her in the eye, refuses to stay at home or to wear dark glasses to cover up the black eye. She intentionally goes to his place of work to show his co-workers what he did.

What the perpetrator does	The victim shows resistance by
If the perpetrator tries to hurt the victim:	Doing things to reduce, endure, or escape the pain. Any means by which the victim challenges the perpetrator to deliver more pain is also an act of resistance, because sometimes a victim decides that instead of being safe, she will protect her dignity instead.

Example:

• During a physical assault, a victim takes her mind to a pleasant, peaceful place.
• A perpetrator punches a victim who refuses to do what he wants her to do. In response, she says “go ahead, jerk, punch me again, but it will not change my mind”.

What the perpetrator does	The victim shows resistance by
If the perpetrator acts unpredictably, trying to make the victim afraid so he can gain control of her:	Creating predictability and routine in her life. The victim may become unpredictable herself.

Example:

• When a husband becomes tense, the victim knows from her experience that he will become abusive. She then purposely says things that she knows will make him angry so that she has some control over when she gets hit.
• The victim pays close attention to the small details of everyday life to lessen the risk to herself and her children. She takes as much responsibility as possible for her own safety.

To learn more about how women resist abuse in intimate relationships, read our publication, Honouring Resistance.

Posted in Uncategorized