Abuse is Always Deliberate
Perpetrators of violence often try to avoid responsibility for their abusive behaviour. They may blame someone or something else. They may find excuses for their violence such as, “they were in a blind rage,” or, “they were so out of control with their anger that they did not know what they were doing.”
As well, they may blame their behaviour on their partners, an abusive childhood, stress, alcohol problems, their cultural background, financial problems, or their personalities (i.e. an “intense personality; a tendency to “over-react”). Unfortunately, sometimes professionals, such as counsellors and lawyers, also hold beliefs about violent behaviour that excuse perpetrators of responsibility for their own behaviours.
Nobody knows why some people are violent in their intimate relationships. Many studies have been done, but nobody has been able to find a “cause” of violent behaviour. In any case, we believe that there are no acceptable reasons for one partner abusing another in an intimate relationship.
It is not surprising that many victims are also confused about their partner’s violent behaviour, and do not understand why he does such mean and hurtful things. In our view, this “failure to understand” is another way that victims resist abuse. It shows that victims know that there are no acceptable reasons for abusive behaviour.
We have found from our experience in working with perpetrators that their abuse is planned and deliberate. The most obvious ways perpetrators show that their abusive behaviour is deliberate is by trying to stop victims from resisting.
The following are some additional ways that perpetrators show they actually do have control over their behaviour:
- The perpetrator can suddenly change his behaviour in the middle of an abusive episode. A woman noticed her partner was able to stop his verbal attack when a friend unexpectedly showed up at their door. He quickly switched from being enraged to pleasant and friendly.
- The perpetrator threatens to be abusive if the victim does not do as he wishes. A man, who had smothered his wife on several occasions with a pillow, threatened further smothering to attempt to control her.
- The perpetrator does not abuse others – only his wife. A husband excused his behaviour towards his wife by saying he was “overtired” or “stressed”. However, she noticed that he chose to be kind and considerate to others when he was tired and stressed. Apparently, he was able to choose the target of his “stressed” behaviour.
- The perpetrator makes decisions about the type and amount of abuse. Even when they become abusive, perpetrators have rules about how far they will go. For instance, one may never physically hit their partner. Their abusive behaviours may instead include throwing objects towards her, and being verbally abusive. Other perpetrators will push, grab, or slap, but they will not punch their partner. Others will never use a degrading name, but they will constantly criticize.
- Perpetrators are selective about where they will inflict injury on a victim’s body Victims of physical abuse often say that perpetrators bruise them on parts of their bodies where the bruises will not be seen. Abusing victims in this manner allows perpetrators to better escape the consequences of their actions from others. Other perpetrators have deliberately assaulted their partners on their faces, thinking that they will then stay home and not dare to show their bruises to others. Actions such as these by perpetrators suggest that they are quite purposeful about how and where they are physically abusive towards their victims.
- Perpetrators are selective about when and where they will be abusive. An example of this behaviour is when a wife disagreed with something her husband said while they were together in the mall, but rather than responding abusively in public, her husband waited until they were in the privacy of their car before attacking her verbally. In contrast, other victims report that their partners wait until they are in a public situation to humiliate the victim by insulting her in front of others.
Exercise for victims of abuse
Reflect upon some of your partner’s abusive behaviours. Can you see evidence that these behaviours were deliberate, controlled, or planned? Does he act differently towards you when there are other people around? How has he attempted to stop your resistance to his abuse? Does he treat others with respect, and you with disrespect? Write down all of the evidence you have that indicates his abuse was deliberate. What is it like for you to think of the perpetrator’s behaviour in this way?
To learn more about how women resist abuse in intimate relationships, read our publication, Honouring Resistance.
This entry is a follow-up to our previous post Perpetrators Know that Victims will Resist.
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The evidence you use to support your statement that violent abusers know what they are doing, is a description of behaviors and values learned from being abused themselves. The physical and violent manifestations of the abuse are superfluous (albeit horrific) aspects of the abuse. They are what happens when prior abuse is not addressed. For a woman to empower herself and heal, she must recognize the abuse as abuse and must put the blame on the abuser, but if that blame includes the assumption of intent, then the victim will continue to live within the mindset of victimhood. Assuming what a person intends with their actions is part of the abusive behavior and value system and can only ultimately serve to hinder healing. This type of thinking perpetuates external perspective where everything is focused outside of oneself. The victim MUST place blame where it is due, but then needs to focus inward and see how these experiences, values and behaviors have affected her. She needs to stop focusing on the abuser, because if she’s wanting validation that she was abused from the abuser, it isn’t going to happen. Her own growth and healing will be hindered waiting for this type of closure to happen. She needs to place the blame on him and then move on….see what behaviors and values that she herself accepts…..and learn healthy and non abusive ones to replace the faulty ones that had her seeking out the abuse to begin with. To be in an abusive relationship as an adult means that there are childhood abuse issues that need to be addressed. She needs to educated herself about emotional abuse and co-dependency and do her own work. As victims/survivors, we are not responsible for what was done to us, but as adults (once we become aware of the abuse), we are responsible for what we do with the experiences that were given to us. If we don’t reject them and LEARN ANOTHER WAY….then the abusers win. They aren’t worth it! Let’s not give them more power by focusing more than we have to on them.
We agree that a victim is not responsible for the abuse they experienced and that they may not receive validation that they have been treated badly. Many abusers do say what they did was wrong, but follow this admission with an excuse that lays the blame at the victim’s feet. In whatever manner they hide or excuse the abuse, the steps they take to cover it up shows that they know what they did was not okay.
We know from our work with victims that their personal values and beliefs are integral to moving forward. While victims might not call what they have experienced abuse they do recognize that they are being treated badly and they want it to stop, though for the victim, focusing on the abuser’s intention can be frustrating and fruitless.
Hurting another person to get one’s own way, especially within an intimate or family relationship, does not make sense, yet, our Men’s Counselling Program participants tell us again and again that this is exactly what they do. The abusers we work with are clear that their victims did not seek out someone to abuse them. Instead, abusers describe the lengths they go to in order gain trust both at the beginning of a relationship and again after abusive incidents. They know the victim is not okay with being treated badly. Research backs up their stories – women in abusive relationships are no more or less likely to have witnessed or experienced abuse as a child.
Abuse is complex and confusing and is an important social issue that we encourage the community to understand and talk about. Our website has 2 handbooks; Honouring Resistance and Choosing to Change that are useful tools for anyone interested in helping to end family violence and abuse.
I need to say thanks a whole lot for the job you have made in writing this post. I am hoping the same perfect job by you in the future too.
Bad weeds grow tall.
[…] This entry is a follow-up to our previous post Abuse is Always Deliberate. […]